Stevenson gets more ink

Monday marked the first day that the media met with NBA teams and players across the league, and Washington Wizards backup shooting guard and general oddball DeShawn Stevenson showed up with a handful of new tattoos.

It's a fresh start for the Wizards, who suffered an incredibly disappointing and frustrating 19-63 season without the help of Gilbert Arenas, who collected a cool $14.6 million despite playing in just two games.

Arenas was at media day and told reporters that he was done with Agent Zero, Hibachi and his other multiple personalities and hijinks.

"I'm done being an entertainer. I just wanna play basketball," Arenas said.

Stevenson was the star of the show, though. He showed up with his signature neck beard and a handful of new tattoos, including the one pictured, an Abraham Lincoln face inked between two 5s.

What you can't see is the tattoo on his right temple that reads "LONDYN," named after his one-year old son. He's got a backwards Pittsburgh Pirates "P" logo on his cheek, which The Washington Times' Mike Jones told him looked more like a 9.

Finally, he's got a crack on his forehead, because, "I don't crack. I feel like people always try to break me, but I don't crack," he said, which doesn't really explain why he would tattoo a crack on him. Stevenson also vowed to keep it clean for the Wizards, which doesn't explain the surplus of ink, the neck beard or the reported rat tail. But that's beside the point, I guess.

USC running back suffers most painful injury ever

Disclaimer: Don't read if you get queasy about injury stories.

Let's just say that yesterday, USC senior running back Stafon Johnson had a case of the Mondays. While on the bench press, Johnson's right hand slipped and the bar landed on his neck, "crushing his neck and larynx," ESPN reported.

Johnson was taken to the hospital after coughing up blood and was rushed into surgery at the California Hospital Medical Center in Los Angeles.

"I've seen players have the bar slip and fall onto their chest, but never in my 25 years of coaching have I heard of someone dropping a bar on their throat. We're fortunate he was being spotted," said Chris Carlisle, the team's strength and conditioning coach.

Meanwhile, the word from the hospital was positive, though his playing career -- at least this season -- is over: "The patient is in critical but stable condition. His post-surgical prognosis is good. While it is unlikely Mr. Johnson will be able to complete the season, doctors expect him to make a full recovery," Dr. Gudata Hinkia, the California Hospital Trauma Medical Director said.

USC coach Pete Carroll asked his followers on Twitter to keep Johnson in their thoughts and prayers after the accident.

Johnson scored both touchdowns for USC, including the game-winner late in the fourth quarter, in an 18-15 win over then-No. 8 Ohio State in Week 2.

Zornado downgraded to tropical inconvenience

Some brilliant blogger predicted Washington's demise on Friday, but was too much of a wuss to actually put money on the Lions pulling it off. I'm all talk.

But seriously, I called it. Not to toot my own horn, but it's pretty much the only thing preventing me from jumping out of the third story window because the Washington Redskins just lost to a team that hadn't won a game since December 2007.

"Anyway, fans in Detroit won't be able to watch the Lions snap their 19-game losing streak this Sunday when my Washington Redskins come to town."

The Lions finished 10-for-18 converting on third downs and had the ball for nearly 37 minutes to Washington's 23. It was a slightly more painful broadcast for Redskins fans to watch than for Lions fans. Get it, because the game wasn't broadcasted in Detroit?

Washington's next three games are against Tampa Bay (0-3), Carolina (0-2 with a game tonight against Dallas) and Kansas City (0-3), so if they can't scrape together a 2-1 record during that stretch, I expect Zorn to be fired.

Either way, it's not much fun to be thinking about the 2010 NFL Draft in late September. If the Redskins fall at home to the winless Bucs this weekend, I'll be shifting my attention to NFL mock drafts.

Sorry Detroit Lions fans

Detroit Lions fans haven't tasted a win since Sunday, December 23, 2007. The NFL's laughingstock is 1-25 in their last 26 games, which is almost becoming more like self mutilation than professional football.

Anyway, fans in Detroit won't be able to watch the Lions snap their 19-game losing streak this Sunday when my Washington Redskins come to town. They didn't sell out, therefore Fox blacked out the game, according to The Detroit News.

On the bright side, they get to see a decent football game: San Francisco at Minnesota, which should be significantly less painful to watch than the Lions-Redskins game.

The Redskins are 6.5-point favorites despite last week's 9-7 squeaker of a win at home over the St. Louis Rams. It's been a tough week for Washington, as players snapped back at the fans for booing them at FedEx Field. Rookie linebacker Robert Henson -- who was inactive for the game and has never played a down in the regular season -- lashed out at the fans through his Twitter page:

"No I didn't play but I still made more than you in a year and you'd [gladly] switch spots with me in a second. I was talking to the fans [who] said the crazy stuff, I'm use [to heckling] but I've never been booed in my own stadium. Again that was for the half hearted but if everyone wants to jump in come on. The question is who are you to say you know what's best for the team and you work 9 to 5 at Mcdonalds," Henson tweeted.

He later apologized for his remarks and deactivated his page.

Getting back on track, the Lions have a legitimate shot at winning this game. The Redskins haven't been able to get their offense clicking so far this year and the Lions are bound to win at some point.

Rikers Island inmates must be Jets fans

Former New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress got checked in to Rikers Island yesterday, where he'll spend the next two years after shooting himself in the leg at a crowded night club last November.

Apparently the majority of inmates at the Island are Jets fans.

Burress "was depressed. He was trying to keep to himself, but everyone was yelling at him," a guard told the New York Post.

Even better, Burress was called an a-hole, and someone yelled, "The Giants suck!" as Burress was escorted into his cell.

Correctional Department spokeswoman Linda Foglia told the Post that Burress was taken to Ulster Correctional Facility, where he'll be evaluated for long-term placement somewhere in the New York penitentiary system.

He's eligible for release June 6, 2011, pending good behavior, and he will get three showers per week. Insert obvious ball-dropping joke here.

Clemson fan takes loss to Ga Tech poorly

After Maryland's loss to Middle Tennessee State on Saturday, watching other fans react on the outside how I was feeling on the inside brings a smile to my face. After all, Terps fans shouldn't be the only ones who are allowed to be miserable.

Imagine my excitement when I saw a clip -- albeit from two weeks ago -- of a Clemson fan absolutely pouting in the stands after the Tigers' 30-27 loss to Georgia Tech. Clemson was down 24-0 in the second quarter before rallying to take a 27-24 lead, only to let the Yellow Jackets boot a pair of field goals late in the fourth to seal the win.

The Clemson fan on the right in this video wears his emotions on his sleeve. He sits there for a few minutes writhing in agony, putting his hat over his face, practically crying, slapping the bleachers and doubling over in pain, to name a few (over)reactions.

The best part? ESPN was watching the whole time. The announcing crew, led by Chris Fowler, mocks the kid off-air for a few minutes. Fowler even busts out the Telestrator pen to circle the kid as if he's drawing up a play.

"It's just sunk in. It sunk in. We came back from 24 down and still lost by a field goal," Fowler said, as if to narrate the fan's thoughts.

"Let's not giggle," he added, hoping to regain his composure in time to go back on air and sum up the game's final moments.

Enjoy the video, anyone who dislikes Clemson or has experienced a loss that made you want to do what this guy does.

Goaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal!

Fans running onto a field is nothing new to soccer, or for that matter, the world of sports. Most people who make it out onto the field eventually get tackled, whether it's by some yellow jacketed event staffers or even a player.

Sometimes, the rebellious fans even shed their clothes and run around before getting caught and escorted away.

However, I've never seen a fan make it onto the field -- or pitch, in this case -- in this scenario. Spartak Moscow was facing off against Saturn Moscow in Russian league action.

Spartak's Meschini Alex was lined up for a penalty kick with his team down 1-0 when an overenthusiastic fan made his way onto the field. What happened next was pretty awesome. See the video below for that.

And, in case you're wondering, Alex netted the goal after the chaos died down. It didn't help Spartak, though, as Saturn's Marko Topic scored one minute later for what would end up to be the game-winning goal.

Pete Carroll pushes back

Southern Cal coach Pete Carroll is known for being a prankster. Late last month, the team got him back, staging a fight amongst the team during practice.

Running back Allen Bradford and defensive end Everson Griffen got into a seemingly heated tussle before Carroll broke it up. The team burst out into laughter

"We just wanted to do something to liven up practice. Coach Carroll was saying, 'You're done. You're done. You're not supposed to play like that.' Then we told him it was a prank, and he was like, 'You guys should be actors,'" Bradford told the LA Times.

They had a big chuckle about it. I wasn't the only one that got fooled, but I got punked today and they definitely like that," Carroll responded.

Despite the team's hijinks, there was no way that Carroll, the ultimate prankster, would be outdone. When the team started singing "Lean On Me" during training camp, Carroll got an idea.

He called up Bill Withers, the song's author and singer, to pretend he was an NCAA official. Withers told the entire team about a make-believe fungus that could destroy players' bones. The players looked scared for their lives. Then, Withers told them that they had been punked, and it was all a hoax.

The team then gathered to sing "Lean On Me" in front of Withers, but in the end, Carroll got the best of his team. Video below.

Kiffin opens mouth, inserts foot

Tennessee coach Lane Kiffin is about to feel what it's like to be in prison on Saturday when the Volunteers travel to Gainesville to face Urban Meyer and the Florida Gators.

The Volunteers are out to a 1-1 start this season -- a 63-7 win over Western Kentucky to open up the season and a 19-15 loss at home to UCLA this past weekend -- which may have something to do with Florida being a 29.5-point favorite.

That number would ordinarily be unheard of in a conference game, and especially in a rivalry game, but Kiffin's December comments about Meyer have added fuel to the fire -- and points to the spread.

In front of the media this week, Kiffin kissed Meyer's butt, essentially begging Florida not to run up the score like a big brother holding a GI Joe out of his little brother's reach:

"They're extremely talented. I look at their defense, look at their 11 starters, and you have 11 NFL players. They're maybe the most talented defense ever to play, and maybe the best quarterback ever to play college football."

What's that, Lane? I could hardly hear you with your mouth full of humble pie. It sounds like a different tune from his December comments when Kiffin told fans and media that "I'm really looking forward to embracing some of the great traditions at the University of Tennessee, for instance the Vol Walk, running through the T, singing Rocky Top all night long after we beat Florida next year."

Meyer isn't opposed to running up any scores, either, which is why the line is as huge as it is. The Gators beat SEC foes Kentucky and South Carolina 63-5 and 56-6, respectively (or disrespectively) last season, and have whipped the Volunteers by 39 in 2007 and 24 in 2008.

Play of the day

I realize it's a couple of days late, but the following video is definitely the college football play of the week. The whole series of events serves as a pretty nice analogy for Virginia's season through two games. It also set the tone for the Cavaliers to get blown out 30-14 at home against TCU a week after a horrifying loss to in-state foe William and Mary.

Week 1 fantasy studs and duds

With Week 1 of the NFL season almost done, everyone's blood pressure is off the charts while they try to figure out how many yards Tom Brady can throw tonight before they lose their fantasy matchup. Sunday's games in the rearview mirror, it's time to take a look at who carried your fantasy team, and who will be receiving a flaming bag of poop on their door step.

STUDS --
Adrian Peterson, Vikings RB -- AD stole Brett Favre's thunder on Sunday, running for 180 yards and a touchdown on 25 carries and adding 18 receiving yards in a 34-20 win in Cleveland. Favre's ability to hand the ball off was impeccable as Peterson broke off 12, 13, 19, 19 and 64 yard runs throughout the day.

Drew Brees, Saints QB -- Brees through four touchdowns before halftime as New Orleans beat Detroit like a redheaded step child. Mole man threw for 358 yards and six touchdowns on 26 for 34 passing in the 45-27 win.

Reggie Wayne, Colts WR -- Wayne was exactly what fantasy owners expected of him in Week 1, going for 162 yards and a touchdown on 10 receptions in a 14-12 win over the Jaguars.

John Carlson, Seahawks TE -- Really, anyone on the Seahawks had a better day than their opponents in a 28-0 win over St. Louis. Hell, kicker Olindo Mare outscored the Rams' No. 1 receiver Donnie Avery in the win. Carlson, one of Seattle's best receiving targets, caught six passes for 95 yards and two touchdowns in the win.

DUDS --
Jake Delhomme, Carolina QB -- Delhomme may have had the worst fantasy day of anyone with a pulse yesterday. He threw for just 73 yards and had 11 passes caught -- four by Eagles defenders -- in a lopsided 38-10 loss to Philly. I honestly feel that I could have shown up on Sunday and laid a similar turd. That's what you get for starting Jake Delhomme ever, though. Serves you right.

Willie Parker, Pittsburgh RB -- "Fast" Willie Parker had just 24 all-purpose yards on 14 touches last Thursday in the NFL's opening game against Tennessee. Though the Steelers won 13-10, Parker was almost nonexistent and a definite headache for fantasy owners.

Andre Johnson, Houston WR -- One of the league's premier receivers and typically an outstanding fantasy player regardless of matchup, Johnson laid an egg against the Jets, finishing with just four receptions for 35 yards in a 24-7 loss.

Greg Olsen, Chicago TE -- Olsen didn't do anything wrong, but a lot was expected of him heading into Week 1 against Green Bay. Olsen was considered the top receiving option for new quarterback Jay Cutler, but Olsen managed just one catch for eight yards in the Bears' 21-15 loss.

It pays to be Larry English

As is an NFL tradition, the San Diego Chargers went out to dinner last night, and first-round draft pick Larry English was paying -- to the tune of a $14,508 tab.

Chargers outside linebacker Shaun Phillips tweeted: "Headed to dinner with all the vets courtesy of larry english I can't wait to see his face when the bill comes." and later uploaded the hefty receipt (pictured).

By the way, what kind of tenacious defensive lineman orders a raspberry sorbet?

Fourteen grand is nothing compared to teammate Shawne Merriman's rookie dinner, which he tweeted: "On the way to the rookie dinner which cost me 32k my rookie yr".

Merriman later said: "When you treating 300 lb guys to free food ur in trouble".

It's too bad English couldn't have tricked the veterans into going to Golden Corral or China Buffet. He would have escaped with about $200 in damage.

English's dinner looks like a walk in the park after reading about Chargers' mega draft bust Ryan Leaf's rookie dinner, which he involuntarily paid for, thanks to Junior Seau.

According to the San Diego News Network, "Leaf made training camp a spectacle. He liked the star status, but did not like the hazing. He whined and cried when veterans like Junior Seau lifted his newly-minted credit card and put an extravagant veteran’s dinner on it. It was the beginning of the end when the rookie quarterback beefed about a $3,000 tab. Other high picks, Seau included, had paid before. It was a tradition."

It's a good sign that English wasn't whining about the dinner. Of course, he doesn't have Twitter, so I can't see into his brain. Maybe he's pouting after all.

I'll have what he's drinking

HBO documentary Mayweather vs. Marquez 24/7 gave viewers a possibly-too-intimate look at boxer Juan Manuel Marquez's training regimen. Sure, Marquez runs stairs and punches massive slabs of meat, but there's one thing he does that really separates himself from the competition.

After workouts, he drinks a frothy glass of his own piss.

Yes, the following video shows Marquez doing the nasty. He contends that urine contains several vitamins, which escape when you take a leak.

"I also drink my urine because that’s where a lot of proteins and vitamins are, part of your vitamin intake, and why not drink them again instead of wasting them," Marquez said.

The thing that Marquez's agent should have told him is that there are alternatives to getting those vitamins back into your system other than drinking your own frothy brew. Like, perhaps eating a carrot. Or maybe even simply taking a multivitamin.

This all makes MLB journeyman Moises Alou's habit of peeing on his hands to toughen them up seem painfully normal.

Granted, I still wouldn't want to shake Alou's hand or wake up next to Marquez's morning breath every day. Visual evidence of Marquez below, if you dare.

The worst part is that he doesn't even flinch, cringe, nothing. He doesn't gargle it either, but even the thought of drinking hot apple juice kind of grosses me out, much less my own piss.

Merriman arrested

San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman has done some things that I'm sure he's not proud of throughout his career. He tested positive for steroids in 2006, earning a four game suspension.

His unique "lights out" dance to celebrate sacking a quarterback or making a big hit during a game drew more attention than he wanted and he publicly commented that he would stop performing it after the Chargers started 2007 with a 1-3 record. Now, we find out that he allegedly assaulted his girlfriend a few days ago.

The worst part of all of this? We found out that his girlfriend is MTV reality star Tila Tequila.

Star is of course very subjective, as only people who are painfully addicted to reality television have any idea who she is. She starred in a show called "A Shot at Love" after she gained some sort of e-fame from having 1,000,000 friends on MySpace. E-friends, that is.

Dating Tila Tequila is not unlike driving a moped. It's fun to ride until your friends or family find out.

Just one week until the Chargers' first regular season game, it's also something that Merriman wishes that San Diego's front office would never find out.

Merriman was arrested after Tequila accused him of choking her and preventing her from leaving his home in southern California. Merriman says that he was trying to prevent her from driving under the influence.

Regardless of what actually happened, it remains to be seen whether or not Tequila and Merriman will continue dating. I expect the conversation to go something along the lines of "Hey, it's me, Shawne. I'm sorry about what happened. I still want us to be dating." "Shawne, you still have a shot at love. Are you interested?*"

*Credit to faithful reader Curtis Crouse for the assist on that one.

Bucs OC Jags gets screwed twice in calendar year

Jeff Jagodzinski has had a rough 2009 so far. While serving as the head coach of Boston College's football team, he interviewed for the head coaching job with the New York Jets.

BoCo's athletic department specifically told Jags not to interview anywhere else -- greedy, are we? -- and fired him for taking the interview anyway.

Jags never got the Jets job, but three weeks later landed on his feet when the Tampa Bay Buccaneers hired him as their new offensive coordinator.

Things were looking good for Jags again. He was in the NFL, tanning and getting to wear sunglasses to cover up his Herman Munster eyes.

Then, today, exactly one week after the Bucs' 10-6 preseason loss to the Dolphins, Tampa Bay management canned Jags. He didn't even get to coach a game that counted.

Tampa Bay first year coach Raheem Morris said, "I’m not here to bash Jeff Jagodzinski. What he did, coming in here and implementing the plan and having an idea … was good. We’re just at a different state right now. We need to be more direct. We need to have more precision. We need to know where we’re going."

The Bucs offered Jags a demotion to quarterbacks coach, which would mean a swap with Greg Olsen, who was promoted from that position to the offensive coordinator role. That's sort of like getting dumped at the Prom but having your date offer you a courtesy tug for your trouble.

Bengals' Smith signs contract, breaks foot

Cincinnati Bengals rookie offensive lineman Andre Smith is off to a great start for his professional career. First, his draft stock was lowered when Alabama suspended him for the Sugar Bowl for talking to an agent. Not great timing for Smith considering that was to be his last game in college and would have given him great exposure to any potential NFL suitors.

Naturally, his next stop after the season ended was at the NFL Combine, where he wowed scouts with his perky C-cup breasts, weighed in at 332 pounds (see humbling picture above) and ran a tortoise-like 5.28 40-yard dash. He then left the Combine early without telling anyone, confirming that he was as mentally fit as he was physically fit.

He recently inked a four-year, $26 million deal (after holding out for a bigger and longer contract) with the Bengals after missing 30 days of practice and much-needed conditioning with the team. Just two days later, Smith fractured his left foot in practice.

The Bengals believe so deeply in their No. 6 draft pick that they even installed a don't-go-and-get-all-fat-on-us clause in his contract: "Per the source, the contract contains a provision that slashes in half Smith's pay for each game in which he weighs in at 350 pounds or higher -- and in which he is not on the active 45-man roster. (So, basically, if he weighs 350 or more and plays, he gets the money.)"

Well, that bodes well for Smith, considering he's out for up to a month with the foot injury and will probably miss three games or so. He had better not check in at 350-plus at his next weigh-in, though. While he's resting that foot, he'll have to cut out the Golden Corral and insert some fresh vegetables. Horrifying, I know.