Sanchez gives back

In Monday's edition, I mentioned that Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez chowed down on a hot dog late in the fourth quarter of New York's slaughter of Oakland.

Sanchez's in-game meal, which has since been stupidly and un-cleverly dubbed Hot Dog-gate, has caused a lot of unwanted heads to turn in his direction.

His response? The rookie signal caller told the Daily Record of Morristown, NJ that he plans to "buy 500 hot dogs and 500 hamburgers, along with 500 buns and 500 rolls, from a local Morristown A&P supermarket to donate to the Community Soup Kitchen."

His coach, the somewhat-unstable-but-slightly-less-homeless-than-his-brother-looking Rex Ryan, said that Sanchez was "disrespecting the opponent. You're disrespecting the game.

He went on to later say, "It is unfortunate that here we have a great game, run for 300-some yards, breakout game, 38-to-zip score, get a shutout and now the focus is on the hot dog."

Rookie mistake.

"Something happened here and [I] wanted to turn it into a positive," Sanchez told the media on Wednesday.

I guess that's what you get for hot dogging! OK, that was terrible, and I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Tattoo fail

One of two things happened right before I wrote this entry. Either:
A) I've officially become an old curmudgeon, or
B) My generation is getting dumber.

Judge for yourself, as it may be a little bit of both.

Boston College sophomore Josh Haden, pictured to the right, is transferring out of the program that is now permanently etched on his chest.

Predictably, Haden is seeking more playing time after sharing the running back role with Montel Harris.

The Boston Herald called Haden's move "particularly surprising," given that he was such a highly-touted recruit coming out of Friendly High School in Fort Washington, Md. His older brother Joe is starring at Florida and is likely to be a top draft pick in 2010.

Oh well, there are plenty of BC schools with Eagles as the mascots...right?

I'm not (too) snobby when it comes to tattoos, and I realize that people get meaningful things inked onto their bodies. In fact, the Maryland Terrapin logo is one of the only things I would ever consider putting permanently on my body. After all, it's my alma mater.

Tattooing the logo of the school you're currently attending is like tattooing the name of your current girlfriend. It almost guarantees you'll break up, and then you'll have to find another girl named Lafawnduh with whom to settle down and start a family.

Cooley likely out for season

As if Washington's season could get much worse, things took an even uglier turn during last night's 27-17 loss to Philadelphia.

And no, I'm not talking about tight end Chris Cooley's hair, though that was pretty terrible, too.

Instead, Cooley broke a bone in his foot and looks to be out a minimum of six weeks and potentially the entire season, the Redskins' playoff hopes (ha!) pending.

Cooley, who appeared on Elliott in the Morning on DC101 this morning, was downtrodden about his injury. The veteran tight end is the team's second-leading receiver, and was one of the team's most sure-handed options, hauling in 29 catches for 332 yards and two touchdowns in six-and-a-quarter games.

The Skins dropped to 2-5 while the front office continues to suffer from paranoia, confiscating a fan's sign that read "Bingo Football Night," making fun of offensive consultant Sherman Lewis' recent work calling out bingo numbers at a retirement home.

On the sidelines, head coach Jim Zorn walked around awkwardly without being involved in any of the playcalling duties. From here on out, the Redskins might as well refer to the 2009 season as the Titanic.

NFL is Blowout City

Sunday was one of the most boring days of professional football in a long time. Just two games were decided by single digits -- Houston edged San Francisco 24-21 and Arizona got the best of the New York Giants 24-17 -- the rest were mostly blowouts.

We start in Cleveland, where the 1-5 Browns become the 1-6 Browns. Green Bay quarterback Aaron Rodgers ends the game with a QB rating of 155.4 (out of 158.3). Browns quarterback Derek Anderson fails to throw for more than 100 yards for the fourth time this season.

Next, an AFC West rivalry game in Kansas City, where the visiting Chargers win 37-7, the largest margin of victory between these two teams ever. Chiefs quarterback Matt Cassel, who Kansas City paid an arm and a leg for in the offseason, throws for 97 yards and three interceptions.

Despite the 27-17 final score, the Vikings and Steelers give us the only interesting game at 1 p.m. Up 13-10 in the third quarter, Steelers linebacker LaMarr Woodley recovers a Brett Favre fumble and rumbles 77 yards for the score. On the next play, Vikings return man Percy Harvin takes one 88 yards to the house as Pittsburgh takes a 20-17 lead. Trying to be all heroic, Favre throws a bad pass that Steelers defensive back Keyaron Fox gobbles up and takes 82 yards for the score. On the bright side, we don't have to watch Favre sprint down the field in celebration again.

Indianapolis travels to St. Louis and spanks the Rams like a disobedient toddler, winning 42-6. Ageless kicker Matt Stover boots six routine extra points in the process. Let's be serious; this game was over about 15 minutes after kickoff.

The Bucs and Patriots travel over the pond to play in London. Tickets sold out in six minutes! This game was over in five. Pats defensive back Brandon Merriweather intercepts a Tampa Bay pass and takes it back for six on the fifth play of the game, and Tampa Bay never gets closer than 14 points the rest of the way.

Up 24-3 in the second quarter, Miami was running away with it. Then Saints quarterback Drew Brees and his gigantic skidmark, er, birthmark wake up and go on a 36-10 run behind a pair of Brees rushing touchdowns and a pair of interceptions for touchdowns. Saints win 46-34 behind 22 unanswered fourth quarter points.

Buffalo beats Carolina 20-9 despite just nine first downs and 167 yards of total offense. Maybe that's what happens when two horrifically bad teams play. Practically nobody stands out in the battle of the 24th and 25th offenses in the league. The less we talk about this game, the better.

In Oakland, Jets struggling quarterback Mark Sanchez hoped to get back on track. He doesn't need to do much as New York's running game scampers for 316 yards and four touchdowns. Sanchez eats a hot dog late in the fourth quarter as the Jets win 38-0.

On the heels of his fat contract extension, Bears quarterback Jay Cutler has one of his worst games of the season, fumbling for the sixth and seventh time this year. Cincinnati quarterback Carson Palmer shows Cutler how not to suck, completing 83 percent of passes and tossing five touchdowns in 45-10 rout of Da Bears.

At Cowboys Stadium, the Falcons start the game with a 16-play, 80-yard touchdown drive. Cowboys score 34 of the next 41 points, leaving with a victory and somehow giving quarterback Tony Romo the green light on wearing a hat that somehow makes him look like a bigger doofus.

There you have it. If it wasn't for fantasy football, I would have probably watched something else all day.

Dodgers owner has serious cajones

Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt fired the team's CEO this week, despite the team being the No.4 most valuable team in professional baseball according to Forbes in 2006.

You see, McCourt is in the middle of a messy divorce, and that CEO is his soon-to-be ex-wife, Jamie (pictured).

Things just got a little more interesting.

"Jamie was disappointed and saddened by her termination. As co-owner of the Dodgers, she will address this and all other issues in the court room," her lawyer Dennis Wasser said.

The Dodgers won the NL West in 2009 and 2008, and appear to be a contender again in 2010, fueling the argument that her firing wasn't a move to cut the fat from a sinking ship.

McCourt, who bought the Dodgers with his wife in 2004, made his money in real estate in Boston.

This gives a whole new meaning to dipping your pen in the company ink. He probably signed her severance check with that same pen (rimshot!).

Everyone needs to lighten up

Unathletic Titans fans everywhere are up in arms about the recent news that head coach Jeff Fisher jokingly donned a Peyton Manning Colts jersey on Tuesday at a charity event at Lipscomb University in Nashville.

"I just wanted to feel like a winner," Fisher joked, lightly poking fun at the teams' polar opposite starts to the season. The Titans are on a bye this week after an 0-6 start.

Titans fans and media freaked out about the whole thing, prompting Fisher to apologize... sort of.

"I was ... just having fun with it and I really apologize if I offended anybody, but if you're offended over the nature of that type of thing, then I think you need to rethink things. ... I'm sorry if I offended anybody, but if I had to do it again, I would do it again," Fisher said on his radio show.

The Titans' start is one of the more puzzling storylines in the NFL this season; last year, Tennessee finished 13-3 last season and advanced to the second round of the playoffs last year.

Titans fans should just be happy that Redskins owner and moron Daniel Snyder isn't calling the shots in Nashville, too.

Rent a New Jersey Net

Looking for a great idea for a birthday present? Need someone to mow your lawn? The New Jersey Nets are here to help.

In an effort to sell more courtside seats, the Nets' front office has created a promotion called "Your Ticket to a Player," where, for $25,000, you will get four front row seats for 10 games. At $750 per ticket, that's $30,000 right there. But wait, there's more!

The kicker is that the organization will provide "a one-hour appearance by a Nets player of your choice at your home, office, school or party," according to Sports Illustrated.

The Nets hope to sell 20 packages of these tickets with the stipulation that if everybody requests All-Star guard Devin Harris, which clearly everybody will, that "ot everyone will get their top choice of players for an appearance." All in all, $25,000 to secure 40 courtside seats and some random turd of a player seems a little steep in this economy.

At least it's better than the Nets' last promotion, called "Match Up," where certain jerseys were reversible. Except, rather than being a home and away version of the same jersey, it was a Nets jersey on one side and a LeBron, Kobe, Kevin Garnett, Dwyane Wade or Dwight Howard jersey on the other side.

Anything to get your mind off being at a Nets game.

Zorn stripped of playcalling duties, dignity

It takes a real masochist to watch the Washington Redskins every week. Words and numbers fail to justify the massive ineptitude across the entire organization, from owner Daniel Snyder to general manager Vinny Cerrato to head coach and offensive coordinator Jim Zorn down to (former?) starting quarterback Jason Campbell. Snyder, Cerrato and Zorn (pictured) are professional football's version of the Three Stooges.

I dare you to find four professionals worse at their jobs than those four. Unfortunately, it's not Cerrato, Zorn or Campbell's faults that they have a job; that falls squarely on Snyder's shoulders for cutting their paycheck every week.

Fans of the organization, what few remain from the nuclear fallout, may or may not rejoice in hearing that Zorn will no longer be handling the playcalling duties, according to a team source. Instead, he'll be relegated to drawing in his coloring book on the sidelines.

The Redskins have had the honor of being "the first team in NFL history to face six consecutive winless opponents," so naturally they have gotten off to a triumphant 2-4 start. Washington also has the distinction of snapping Detroit's almost-worst-ever 19-game losing streak and helping secure Kansas City coach Todd Haley's job, giving the Chiefs their third win in 31 games.

The charm has clearly worn off from Zorn's hiring. Washington started off 6-2 under Zorn in his first year but is now 4-10 in its last 14 games.

The Skins are expected to hand the playcalling duties to "offensive consultant" Sherman Lewis, who was brought in on October 6 after spending five seasons away from the NFL calling out bingo numbers. No, really. That's great, though, bringing in a former offensive genius who knows little-to-nothing about the team's personnel and has spent two weeks in the last five years studying football. Recipe for success, anyone?

Fans have started to come to realize that the only way that the Redskins may be competitive in the near future is cleaning house from top to bottom. And, according to ProFootballTalk.com, Zorn and Cerrato's futures are largely dependant on each other.

"So if/when Zorn goes, Cerrato could be dumped, too. (There's a chance Zorn would go after the Eagles game next Monday, and that Cerrato wouldn't be fired until after the season ends.)," PFT reported.

In the meantime, the only way to emotionally cushion being a Washington fan? Put a ton of money on whoever they are playing every week, starting with the Eagles on Sunday!

Missing curfew

Jacksonville Jaguars wide receiver Mike Sims-Walker was surprisingly listed as inactive before last week's 41-0 thrashing at Seattle.

Sims-Walker has become a top target for quarterback David Garrard so far this season, leaving fantasy owners confused or screwed if they left him their fantasy lineups.

The Florida Times-Union got to the bottom of the issue. It seems that the 6-foot-2, 214-pound wideout missed bed check (or the team's curfew) Friday night before the game.

He must have been sitting in his library reading Homer's "Odyssey," then. No? Well, then he must have been at the movies watching that delightful "Couples Retreat" with Vince Vaughn. No? Well, why did he miss bed check?!?!

Michael C. Wright of the FT-U writes: Sims-Walker missed bed check Friday night due to a visit with a female friend that went a little long, according to an NFL source, who described the situaton by saying, "undefeated and untied."

Hi-yo!

Sims-Walker caught six passes for 106 yards and a touchdown against Arizona in Week 2, caught six passes for 81 yards against Houston the next week and seven catches for 91 yards and two touchdowns in a win over Tennessee. He should be active again this week when the Jags take on winless St. Louis at home.

Brady Quinn's house for sale

After Cleveland Browns starting quarterback Derek Anderson's heroic performance Sunday, backup quarterback Brady Quinn saw the writing on the wall.

The third-year signal caller listed his 4 BR, 5 BA house just outside of Cleveland for $775,000 yesterday.

The 4,500 square foot house is beautiful on the inside, but you'd have to live near Cleveland.

Quinn's quarterback rating sagged from 74.1 to 58.7 to 42.7 in three losses against Minnesota, Denver and Baltimore before he was eventually replaced.

He hasn't seen any action in the Browns' last two games.

According to Rotoworld.com, his contract makes him eligible for $11 million "through escalators in 2010 and 2011 based on Quinn taking at least 55% of the snaps in each of the first two years or at least 70% in his third season."

He was on pace to hit 70% of the Browns' snaps for the year through three games. Now, it doesn't seem likely to happen.

Three years removed from the 2007 NFL Draft and it appears that most of the quarterbacks selected have been and will continue to be massive busts. No. 1 pick JaMarcus Russell has been woefully bad for the Raiders and Quinn isn't starting anymore for the Browns.

Second rounders John Beck and Drew Stanton have hardly made an impact. Beck is on his second NFL team (Baltimore) after his first (Miami) drafted Chad Henne. Stanton has attempted 17 passes in three seasons and sits behind No. 1 draft pick Matthew Stafford in Detroit. Philly's Kevin Kolb was a second round pick and led the Eagles to a couple of wins in Donovan McNabb's absence.

DHB has Forrest Gump-like moment

Oakland Raiders wide receiver (and rookie) Darrius Heyward-Bey is one of my all-time favorite Terps. Though he was never fully utilized at Maryland, I hoped that when he got to the league he'd be able to showcase his skills.

Then Raiders owner Al Davis fell in love with DHB's speed and drafted him at No. 7 overall, leading him to a career of ridiculously high standards to live up to, and told him, "Hope you enjoy playing with JaMarcus Russell!"

Anyway, enjoy this little clip from last week where teammate Justin Fargas lost a fumble against the Giants, and look at Heyward-Bey get caught up in the moment. The play was whistled dead eventually, but it doesn't make this video clip any less funny. DHB is wearing No. 12.

Sunday's biggest loser actually a winner?

Cleveland Browns quarterback Derek Anderson had a career day in Sunday's win over Buffalo.

As in, never before in Anderson's career has he played so poorly. The fourth year quarterback finished the game 2-for-17 for 23 yards and an interception.

Anderson makes $8 million this year. Which means he got a paycheck for $500,000 for his performance yesterday, or $250,000 per completion.

Shockingly, Buffalo played worse than Cleveland, en route to the Browns' 6-3 win. In the end, the Browns finished with more penalty yardage (29) than passing yardage.

Both teams combined for 16 punts and 16 penalties. For more fun, check out both teams' drive charts:

Cleveland: Punt, punt, punt, punt, FG, end half, punt, interception, punt, punt, punt, (game winning) FG.

Buffalo: Punt, punt, turnover on downs, punt, turnover on downs, FG, punt, interception, punt, punt, punt, end of game.

Before Sunday, only twice in NFL history had a team won a game with so few completions. The last to do it? The Cincinnati Bengals, who beat Denver 31-21 in 2000 behind 278 rush yards from Corey Dillon.

Cleveland now has a pair of quarterbacks who have combined for two touchdowns and eight interceptions on the year. And between Brady Quinn and Anderson, the Browns' front office is shelling out $12.3 million this year. Or $12.3 million per win so far this season.

Suddenly I don't feel so bad about being a Redskins fan anymore!

Locomotives win UFL debut

First, it was the Arena Football League (AFL). They had a good run from 1987 to 2008, when a few teams bankrupted and the league dried up.

Then it was the XFL, which lasted all of 2000 before everybody realized how idiotic it was to have a league owner doubling as a professional wrestling personality.

Next up was af2, which lasted from 2000 to 2009 before no team would commit to playing the 2010 season.

Now, the latest place for washed-up NFL players and professional practice squad players to collect a paycheck is the United Football League (UFL)!

A crowd of 14,209 people gathered to watch the inaugural game, which pitted the Las Vegas Locomotives against the California Redwoods at Sam Boyd Stadium in Nevada. The stadium holds 40,000 people, so they were clearly just a hair away from a sellout (sarcasm).

The Locomotives won 30-17 in large part to the play of former Buffalo Bills quarterback JP Losman, who finished 21-for-31 for 226 yards and a couple of touchdowns.

Former New York Giants coach Jim Fassel is the head guy for the Locomotives, and former Arizona Cardinals coach Dennis "They are who we thought they were" Green leads the Redwoods.

Elsewhere around the league, former New Orleans Saints coach Jim Haslett is the Florida Tuskers' coach, while longtime NFL defensive coordinator Ted Cottrell is the New York Sentinels' coach.

No league -- not even the longstanding CFL -- has been able to compete with the NFL. And there's no way the UFL will, either.

They pulled old, unsuccessful coaches out of retirement, and loaded their four-team rosters with players who really sucked when they were in the NFL. Come on, Losman was a bottom three quarterback in the League for five years in Buffalo, and he's a superstar in the UFL.

So... good luck, UFL!

OK State's Bryant ineligible

Oklahoma State stud wideout Dez Bryant has been suspended for the rest of the season, according to reports.

The junior wide receiver, who has 17 receptions for 323 yards and four touchdowns in three games this season, violated NCAA rules when he "failed to openly disclose to the NCAA the full details of his interaction with a former NFL player not affiliated with OSU," the University said in a statement.

The suspicions came about when the NCAA investigated whether or not Bryant had visited the Dallas home of former Dallas Cowboys cornerback Deion Sanders this summer. Though Bryant never committed a violation during his visit, the fact that he lied about it was a violation.

On his Facebook page, Bryant openly apologized to the Oklahoma State fan base: "This is why I'm suspended.....I went to Deion sanders house ....and the NCAA found out.....they ask me if I been to his house I told them no...I thought it was a violation...but it wasn't... so I told them I went to his house... I lied to ...them and I shouldn't have....and I'm not suspended for the rest of the season....I'm sorry osu!!"

Early reports have confirmed that Bryant has been suspended for the remainder of the season, though he may appeal the NCAA's decision.

ESPN NFL Draft guru Mel Kiper has Bryant rated the No. 8 NFL prospect for next year's draft. Bryant hauled in nine catches for 161 yards and two touchdowns in a win over Rice two weeks ago, but was knocked out of the game due to an injury and missed the Cowboys' 56-6 win against Grambling State last week.

Crabtree back in talks with 49ers

After getting out to an NFC West-best 3-1 start, the San Francisco 49ers appeared to be getting over a messy breakup with 2009 NFL Draft first round pick Michael Crabtree.

Then Crabtree had a possible change of heart and must have decided that the 49ers didn't suck as much as he had originally thought they would.

That, or he already ate all of his free subs from his deal with Subway.

Now, after scoffing at a five-year, $20-million contract, Crabtree appears to have re-opened negotiations.

Originally Crabtree, a statistical monster from Texas Tech, had been looking for an offer similar to No. 7 pick Darrius Heyward-Bey's five-year, $23.5-million contract.

Now, after San Fran's surprising start behind quarterback Shaun Hill, Crabtree wants a piece of the action. And shockingly, the Niners are open to the idea of it. He'll have to sign by November 17 if he wants to play this season.

Otherwise, he'll go back into next April's NFL Draft, where he'll fall even lower than No. 10 in the draft, and make significantly less than $20 million over five years.

If Crabtree signs and sees the field this year, he'd give the Niners a legitimate receiving threat at wide out. San Francisco doesn't have a receiver in the top 50 in the league in receptions.

NFL Winners and Losers, Week 4 edition

Every week certain players lead their teams to victory. Others disappear in the big moment as their team comes up short. Today's post is dedicated to praising those who helped their team win a big one yesterday, and publicly outing those who ruined their teams' (and possibly fantasy owners') Sundays.

Winners
Pittsburgh Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall, who ran for 165 yards, two touchdowns and caught two passes for 26 yards in a Sunday Night Football win over San Diego. Mendenhall was filling in for Willie Parker, who missed the game with a turf toe injury.

New York Giants wide receiver Steve Smith, who has benefited greatly from having quarterback Eli Manning looking his way more and more often. Smith -- or, as some call him, 'The Other Steve Smith', caught 11 passes for 134 yards and a pair of touchdowns in a win over Kansas City at Arrowhead Stadium.

Finally, Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback David Garrard, who helped the Jags get to .500 with a win over the shockingly winless Tennessee Titans. Garrard went 27-for-37 for 323 yards and three pass touchdowns, and added 38 rushing yards in the 37-17 win. Known for his efficiency, Garrard has five touchdowns to one interception this year in 138 passing attempts.

Losers
New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez, a newfound media darling, had a welcome-to-the-league-rookie type performance in Sunday's loss to New Orleans. The Jets needed him to step up in the worst way, but it looked more like Sanchez was in way over his head. Sanchez directly contributed 14 points to the Saints, fumbling in New York's end zone and throwing a 99-yard pick-6 to cornerback Darren Sharper. Oof.

Oakland Raiders running back Darren McFadden, who failed to capitalize on Houston's porous run defense. Before the game started, it looked like McFadden and Co. could get their first win of the season against the semi-defenseless Texans. Then the game started, and we were all reminded just how bad Oakland's franchise is. McFadden disappeared big time, rushing six times for -3 yards and catching one pass for five yards in the 29-6 loss.

And last and probably least was Cleveland Browns wide receiver Braylon Edwards, who many thought would redeem himself from a season-long slump in 2008. When he notched no receptions and no receiving yards in Sunday's overtime loss to the Bengals, I thought he had gotten injured before the game. Nope, he just sucks. A lot. In 2007, Edwards caught 80 passes for 1,289 yards and 16 touchdowns. Last season, he caught 55 for 873 and just three touchdowns. Through four games this season, he's caught 10 passes for 139 yards and no touchdowns. Not bad for a guy who's making $5.45 million this season!

Nike not actually sponsoring Vick

In the most publicly awkward moment of the day, Nike spokesman KeJuan Wilkins said that, contrary to Michael Vick's opinion, the company is not sponsoring the dog killer-turned-Philadelphia Eagles quarterback.

One of Vick's agents, Mike Principe, said that Nike had resigned the quarterback to a contract on Wednesday in New York.

Not so fast, according to the Swoosh.

"Nike does not have a contractual relationship with Michael Vick. We have agreed to supply product to Michael Vick as we do a number of athletes who are not under contract with Nike," the shoe company said in a statement.

Wait a second. Vick thought that because he was getting free Nike shoes and t-shirts that the company had slyly signed him to a contractual sponsorship? That's unbelievably awkward.

"This agent put his Air Vick in his mouth," said Ernest Lupinacci, former creative director for Nike. Clever.

Nike backed away from Vick during his dogfighting scandal in 2007, in which the Virginia Beach product served jail time. He signed with the Philadelphia Eagles (shocking, I know) in the off-season in an attempt to get back into the NFL.

Brutal end to high school football game

I don't have much time to elaborate on this, but check out how this high school football game ended this past weekend. Absolutely brutal for the losing team. I hope the kid who caused them to lose had to walk home.